I wanted to make this little.. vent I guess you could call it, to share some deep thoughts I've had lately but really haven't had anyone to talk about with. so I hope this won't turn out too long ^-^
in 3 years, I will finally be 18. the age I have been waiting for since I was about 13. by that time, I will be able to make my own decisions about what I want to do with my own body. which I find a little shady I wouldn't have control of it now at 15. because, for a while now, I have been asking my mother to let me get a short pixie hair cut or something short, short and let me buy guys clothing I really liked to which all she has declined.
to the haircut, she told me I was not going to look like a "dike". to the clothes she has not said anything about yet maybe because I've been making the excuse of "guys clothing is more comfortable" but I don't really think that's the true case for me anymore.
ever since I was 13, I knew I wasn't pleased with who I was. there are things I want to be, things I want to do. but to have them all restricted from me is not making things any better. I wish I was born into one of those 'not so religious families' so that maybe my decisions wouldn't be seen so foreign and wrong by them.
to cut down to the chase, I just want to be me and express myself like any teenager wants. I hate telling my mother anything I like now. it's gotten to the point where people who I don't even know/like support me more than my own family does, and it really hurts me..
I just want to be accepted by someone. and this is the site to feel that. because the friends I have made here are better than any I have ever made in real life. you guys don't judge, you don't make fun or tease, you just accept. like every true friend should. and I know there are many people here who have gone through the same situation I am going through currently. and that makes me happier than anyone could ever realize.
so I am first here to thank you all! I want to tell you all that I truly, truly care about each of you who I have got to meet on some kind of friendly level. I want to thank you for all your favorites and nice comments and I am so sorry I have been absent on this site because this is the only place I am truly happy anymore.
but it's too hard to do anything with this crappy laptop I have right now. it won't let me draw or stay on DeviantART too long without millions of adds and a quick shut down. so I am again, very sorry. I hope to return to this lovely place soon and make up for all the commissions I never finished and all the things I never repaid ect.
but now down to the nitty gritty stuff..
if you haven't gotten my problem by now, let me tell you:
I am some-what
transgender, but I don't like that word.
I guess it seems weird to me right now because I'm not fully trans yet. I'm not sure. but I am sure that is the true me.
I know it's be because I have felt it for a long time now, only recently have I really hit the nail on the head. I love dressing and acting like a guy. and I know exactly why too.
being a guy seems right to me for many reasons. I like how strong they can appear on the outside, for starters. that I've always like about them. I also really like how slimming they look. no curves, just straight all the way down. I love the way they smell nice all the time, how they dress, how they walk, how they talk. it's all so lovely to me.
so in a way I guess you could call it 'an over obsession with guys'. I love them so much I want to be one. which brings me to say that I am totally straight. I do not find girls attractive in any way nor do I ever see myself being with one (unless a special circumstance where they were also a trans as well without me really knowing at first). so if I were to continue feeling this way once I'm 18, I would still go after guys completely.
now finally to the question asked in the title of this journal.. "Where do I see myself in 3 years?"
I recently asked myself this question and got a response that really makes me smile. I see myself being happy in the body I desire. that thought alone helps me get through the day, makes me want to live to my fullest again. just a few more years and I can be who I want, be where I want, and be how I want. such a lovely desire.
I know it really seems like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is, and I totally agree. but you have to remember this is the first time I have actually spoken out loud to myself about my decision. every word I type I read in my head over again and smile because this is really who I want to be. I can't wait to be it, oh man, can't I wait.
to have short hair and wardrobes full of men's clothing.. oh how lovely.
alright, I'm really starting to lose track and tear up. I can't take myself seriously anymore.
for those of you with the same kind of troubles, just hang in there and remember you only have a few more years until you too can be how you want. I hope you make it, love!
okay. my deep trains of though are totally gone now, I'm getting too jumpy. stay strong, lovelies! and thank you to anyone who has read this whole thing through! <3 I can't thank you enough for just listening to me. it's all I need right now is another ear. God bless!</sub>